Sleeping

I swear, I could take a five hour nap every day and still sleep over eight hours at night...as in, I would still think I NEED eight hours at night. Ryan was taking a nap yesterday (which he actually needed) and I was all adult-like..."No, I don't need it, I should do stuff..." but then he says, "I think you should take one with me" and next thing I know I'm asleep for three hours. He offers a hard bargain.

So, after that nap yesterday, I still don't get up in time to ride my bike to work. Well, if I left five minutes after I woke up, I would've, but that's just crazy. When else would I finish my daily crossword? Let's not go crazy here.

Speaking of sleeping, I have the weirdest dreams. Just had one last night (very elaborate one, too) that I won't go too much into detail, but basically a guy I used to know had died because he and his friends dangled their cars off of cliffs or something. The media was releasing all these messed up videos of these guys getting high and terrorizing the public. The best video was them flushing bologna for who knows what reason. The cops were breaking into their home and they were like, "Hide it! Hide it!" One guy didn't make it to the bathroom so ate it.

Do you ever have trouble remembering what you were thinking one second earlier when you're about to fall asleep? If I for some reason can't fall asleep right away, I know I'm about to when I think, "What was I just thinking about? It wasn't important, but still..."

I think that's what it's like to get older and forgetful...just remembered I was thinking about my grampa last night. He passed away two months ago and because of ensuing family drama, I don't feel like I've really had a chance to grieve over him. Although, maybe it will be a lifelong process because I don't even feel like I've processed the fact that he's dead. Or that I'm so painfully terrified of the "afterlife." I don't get it. I don't understand salvation or "what it takes" to attain it. I know it's not about "works" or "doing good," but it's also not just about faith, either. Ah, the ancient argument...grace vs. works.

If a gun was held to my head with the crazy gunner demanding an answer, I'd say I believed my grampa was in heaven. This was posted all over Facebook, but it's a story I hope I'll never forget, even in my own old age...just moments before he passed away, my grampa turned to my uncle Denny with the biggest smile on his face as a tear came out of one eye. I still kick myself because I got to the nursing home just a minute or two too late to see that look and, in a way, it haunts me. When I came through the door, he took his last breath and I heard about the look from my gramma, mom, aunt, uncle and cousin. Five people saw it. As an everlasting skeptic, I always question, "Now, did it happen just as they think it happened?" but come on, they didn't all imagine it. So, my grampa, who was motionless and not eating/drinking for over a week, didn't just randomly become alert enough to show such a joyous look to my uncle. Beneath my layers of skepticism, I believe that my grampa was seeing something truly beautiful. Heaven? Sure, why not? Either way, he was seeing something and that something wasn't linked to the nursing room. Was it coincidence that he became alert with that look right as he was dying? I don't believe it. What are the odds? And where would he have found the energy even to turn his head? No, he saw something and, what's so frustrating, is that after a lifetime of service to God and spreading His Word, the one moment where just one word from him could have spoken a thousand truths, all he could give was a look. But, of course, that was enough, I think. I'll never forget it and I wasn't even there. At first, I was not just in agony that I'd been literally seconds too late to be with him when he died, but that I felt like that look wasn't meant for me...that I wasn't ever going to understand death or life after it, so God just went, "Well, sorry, it wasn't worth wasting something so powerful on you...guess you should have hit better lights as you were driving."

But I did get to see it, even though it was through the testimony of others. And even if I had seen it, would that change much? I'd still question if I saw it right, so I might as well trust the witness of five family members. So, I'm sorry I wasn't there at the very end, grampa, but thank you for even making your final moment of sleep a way for us to see the light of God.