Bleeding Crimson: May 2015

* By "frother," I mean "friend mother." There are some women that I'm acknowledging in this post and I see them all as friends, but they have also had a nurturing and loving impact on my life. *

I've always felt for the women who either couldn't have children or have lost a mother when we all celebrate Mother's Day. Today, I heard a message at church...you don't have to have a child to be a mother. Anyone can be a "mother," if you define "mothering" as "nurturing."

I like this inclusive perspective because there are many women who are unable to be biological mothers, but still impact others' lives in similar ways. Although, too many women who can't have or adopt children are told, "Oh, you're still like a mother...look at all the young people you've influenced."

While there's some truth in that, it's not the same. Once, I was at Starbucks and overheard a conversation between two strangers: a woman, who had three young daughters, was trying to convince another woman that she was a mother even though she physically couldn't conceive.

The first woman said, "You babysit those children five days a week. You are a mom! You're shaping them and teaching them life lessons."

The second woman said, "It's not the same. I know what you're trying to say and I appreciate it, but it's not the same. None of those kids will take care of me or visit me in a nursing home when I'm old."

This is like when I hear how God is our "father" and if you don't have an earthly father, you have a heavenly one. Hearing that always irks me because, like those women who can't have or adoption children, it's not the same. I don't think a lot of people really believe it's the same, but say that because it's easier than saying, "Hey, you got screwed out of a lot of love and security simply because a semi driver swerved into oncoming traffic and your dad ran into the side of the truck. That sucks."

And, really, I'd much rather hear someone say, "That sucks," than try to explain away the pain and loss. While I didn't lose my dad physically, I lost him through the brain injury that resulted in his accident.

Here's where I slightly contradict myself because I do believe there are strong similarities between literal mothers and nurturing women. Some people have abusive mothers and another person has taken on the "role" of mother in their life. Sometimes this love is as strong a bond as one between a mother and her biological or adopted child.

However, I like "friend mother" instead. While the bond between me and my mother can't be replaced (and I don't want it to be!), there are a lot of women who have helped shape me.

~ Brenda:
When I first visited my mother-in-law while dating Ryan, I knew I wanted to be part of his family. Well, by that point, I knew Ryan and I were getting married (Ryan didn't know it yet...), so it was great to have an instant good relationship with his mother. Brenda's positivity knew no bounds, which I learned the first time I came for Thanksgiving. I had brought a "Gingerbread-Making Kit" and Brenda said, "Oh, that's so fun! You're so creative and thoughtful. I can't wait to put it together."
She continues to be a source of encouragement in every area of life. And I mean every. She remembers every big or small event in Ryan's and my life, including times when I had a big test for grad school or started my first day teaching for the semester. Often, I'll get a text or voicemail from her on days like these, simply to say that she's thinking of me and knows how well I'll do. Whenever she visits or we visit her, I feel uplifted and energized, as well as reminded of my good qualities (because she keeps reminding me of them!). I get down on myself too often and she's always willing to remind me how I'm creative, loving, and intelligent.
The hardest part of moving to South Carolina is being so far away from family, but Brenda is a mother despite any distance. She truly lives to serve others. When she came for my baby shower last February, she immediately jumped in wherever we needed help. Seeing her filling up water pitchers for the tables and clearing off a table to make room for extra guests, I knew I had a uniquely amazing mother-in-law.
She also motivates me physically. We walked a half-marathon together two years ago and even though the race was hard for her (and me!), she didn't once complain. Instead, we motivated each other. Recently, Brenda motivated me to make more stirfry by buying me a rice cooker. It wasn't for any particular reason...she just thought I'd like it. The cooker is awesome and reminds me of how Brenda loves me, even in something as small as making rice.

~ Orianna:
I started taking weekly walks with Orianna in the summer of 2010. I remember this date because it was the summer I lost my mind and addressed a ton of unresolved wounds from growing up with a brain-injured father. For all of June, I could barely eat or drink, and could only sleep about 1-2 hours a night. It. Was. Awful. Ryan suggested I meet up with Orianna and when I called her, she asked me to join her on her daily walk through Shoaff Park.
And a "mentorship" was born. I don't like to call Orianna my mentor, though, because that sounds too rigid. She's a friend and inspiration. For several years, we took weekly walks together and caught up on our weeks. We often just talked through regular life, but it was helpful to have those walks and connect through books or travel stories or whatever else we happened to discuss. Her dog, Eiffel, always came on the walks and I'll always cherish the times we walked the same trail, with Eiffel running just ahead or beside us.
I've known Orianna since I was in junior high, I think. She's seen me through a lot of stages in my life, including what I call my "super bitter, mean phase." This was mostly late high school, early college when my humor was especially dark and my comments were really biting. I'm glad that she's known me through that and can see how I've changed, softening and strengthening at the same time. She has "mothered" me through her continued support, advice, and encouragement. I love getting letters from her in the mail, including a packet of Downton Abbey tea. It's the small things in life that make for a great "mother," and one of them is taking the time for a simple, yet thoughtful gift.

~ Ruthanne:
I was so excited to start college because that meant I got to join Ruthanne's "college group." My sister had been a part of it and I loved the people who went. The more I got to know Ruthanne, the more I enjoyed her. She was honest and super friendly, AND made amazing desserts! (plug: check out her crazy-awesome baking blog at easybaked.net).
Her "mothering" extends far beyond the delicious treats she made every week (yes, even beyond her famous chocolate chip cookies). We've also trained for a mini-marathon together and I still treasure those times when we met up with a few others to walk the 11 miles from Johnny Appleseed to Swinney and back. She is consistently loving and encouraging through hard times and bad. I've been able to come to her with so many things and she's always willing to take time to listen. To really listen.
Before Ryan asked me out, I often turned to Ruthanne for encouragement because I didn't know if he would ever like me. Like a mother, Ruthanne not only listened, but felt for me. I remember sitting in her car one night, talking about the "Ryan problem" and analyzing conversations I'd had with him. As many women do, we were dissecting every possible moment when Ryan might have shown some interest in me. This was different than talking with just a regular friend, though, because Ruthanne was someone who dedicated a huge part of her life to the college-age people at our church and modeled her life in a way that I wanted to follow.

~ Renee:
In junior high, I started going to another group, which was Renee's "D Group" - a collection of girls my age from church. My best friend, Jacqueline, was going and so I came, too. I didn't know until years later how much Renee dedicated to this group, but appreciated the group so much at the time. I was used to going to a large church where it was easy to fall between the cracks. After a month of coming to this group, we all took a trip to Higher Grounds, a coffee shop near the church. In the snowy parking lot, someone made a comment about me being in the group.
Again, used to a large church, I didn't realize I WAS a part of the group. I didn't realize that these people were already my friends.
"Oh, I thought I had to come for a longer time before I was actually in the group," I said. "Don't I have to sign something?"
Renee knelt and drew in the snow: "HEATHER IS A PART OF D GROUP."
I didn't sign the snow, but felt a happiness in my chest. This was the first time I felt connected to a church group and in a way that was natural, without effort.
As the years went by, Renee was a "mother" to me by encouraging my creativity and just loving me. I saw a creativity in her, too, that I wanted to emulate. She led many small groups that I was in, including one in high school. It was a REALLY small group, usually about four or five girls, but I enjoyed the closeness. Me and most of the other girls went to the same school and Renee often listened to our frustrations with the school, offering advice at the same time. Unfortunately, me and these girls often didn't think how we excluded one or two others who didn't go to our school. Renee tried hard to get this to sink in, but it was several years later when I realized how this "school talk" excluded the others.
Anyway, Renee is a gifted teacher in every way.

Through these relationships, I've learned more how to be a good mother myself. I want to be a good mother by:
1. LISTENING - it is so important to actually hear what someone is saying and to acknowledge that what they have to say matters.
2. Encouraging creativity
3. Knowing when to offer advice or when to just nod and say, "Yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry."
4. Just living life together and enjoying each moment

So, a giant THANK YOU to all the "frothers" in my life. There are many others. I have become the person I am through so many relationships and am blessed with supportive, loving women in my life.

Bleeding Crimson

Sunday, May 10, 2015

To The "Frothers" in My Life

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The Small Things