Wednesday, November 9, 2016

I Will Still...

When I was younger, I would furiously write about how I felt when I was in the middle of tumultuous emotions. My mom says that she would often walk by my room and hear a mad assault of pen on paper. Somehow, I've lost this healthy habit and am resurrecting it now. The clicking of keys isn't as satisfying as scrawling on paper, but it's much faster!

And I need to get my thoughts out. I've never been so hurt and saddened and afraid by an election outcome. I'm overwhelmed by what I deem as ignorance, injustice, and basic foolishness in electing a man who is so clearly inept, disgusting, and ridiculous. I felt the beginnings of a panic attack last night when I realized Trump was going to win and literally forced myself to stop refreshing poll results so that I could go to sleep. I had a dream that I punched someone in the face for patting my baby bump too hard. Somehow it's related.

I don't understand how this happened. But it did. And we are all in it together, whether we voted for this crazy guy or not. I refuse to crumple and give into panic, which is so tempting to do because all I see right now is a vague future of angry shouting, blind refusal to accept facts, and a general disregard for the value of every person's life. I hate that I have to listen to that man's stupid face for at least four more years. I hate that he represents our country.

BUT, while this fear and anger swirls around my thoughts, I again refuse to let it keep me from joy. I've overcome too much in my personal life to let some arrogant billionaire who will never know my name rob me of what I've worked so hard to get: joy. I can't help but think: what if we become a modern version of Nazi Germany? Am I being extreme? Probably, but I think it's possible that we could become at least a fraction of that, at least in terms of intolerance and hatred.

Even if that happened, if all Muslims were banned from the U.S. and immigrants were rounded up like criminals, I promise to do my part in history and stand up for them. I'm not conceited enough to think that I alone would change the world, but I would change a small droplet of it. I would protest. I would house people who needed it. I would try to protect my family while also trying to protect those who need it. I'll stand up to bullies and racists and sexists and everything-ists, and teach my little babies to do the same.

I will still live my life. I will still be happy. I will still laugh. I will still be Isaac's mommy. I will still be Ryan's wife. I will still do improv and sketch comedy. I will still own at Ticket to Ride. I will still read good books and drink tea and have a beautiful baby girl. I will still teach my children to be courageous and intelligent in an impossibly stubborn and illogical world. I will still travel. I will still watch every College Humor sketch. I will still hold an everlasting internal debate whether to keep my hair long or to chop it off. I will still do Sunday LA Times crosswords.

Most importantly, I will still love God and I will still love people. And that's the power of God's Word...nothing can defeat him or his followers: no nation, no president, no dictator, no war, no legislation. Humanity has endured every form of evil and yet good still exists. That alone is a testament to God's endurance. I don't know why He doesn't just wipe out the crazy evil people, but I do know that light continues to triumph over darkness.