This is a concept ingrained into my psyche. It's more than just daydreaming or not paying attention. "Checking out" is probably the best description. For as long as I can remember, I've checked out as a coping mechanism. Basically, if my mind is somewhere else, somewhere "safe," then nothing can hurt me. Of course, this is all subconscious and appears in many ways.
Reading. YouTube binges. Doodling. Staring at a wall.
Normally, it's fairly harmless, but when you have two children, one of whom is a very energetic and loving little boy, you need to be present and you need to PLAY. Why is this so difficult at times? Because it requires my mind to be engaged constantly with another mind. There's little time to "check out" and be in my "safe place" when there's such a constant demand for my mental presence.
When two little hands are grabbing for me and a little voice demanding my attention, I hate it when I feel myself withdrawing into myself. I hate that I want those little hands and that little voice to let me check out. How can a loving mother want that? That's why I'm glad I've recognized this fault of mine.
And it's gotten better over the last two years. Sure, it's easy when your babies are tiny and don't notice whether your mind is present or not. All they need is cuddles, milk, and de-pooping. But, slowly, they develop and need deeper attention. They need someone to build blocks with them, someone to chase them in the yard, someone to pretend that the Tickle Monster is out for vengeance. Really, these things require little to no effort, but when you're used to decades of having the mental freedom to check out, it becomes yet another brick wall to break down.
Yesterday, I played with my son in the backyard and saw the pure joy on his face when I reached my hands through the playset slats to grab him, I heard the bubbling giggles as I chased him from one fence to the other, I saw the glow in his eyes when he figured out how to blow leaves out of his hands...these are the moments that make a childhood. Years from now, I don't want my babies remembering that they had to coerce me into playing or drag me away from a book. It's a work in progress, but there IS progress.
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