Babies

I'm actually a little glad that my labor and recovery with Isaac was so rough because it makes me feel less apologetic for how easily Esther came into the world. Since I was chilling at five cm. for over a week, when the doctor said, "When you feel any consistent contractions, JUST GO," we took her literally. Especially because I wanted plenty of time to get that epidural.

A friend kindly told me, during our church's small group, not to feel badly about wanting an epidural.

"I don't feel bad that I want one," I said, "but I do feel bad for how MUCH I want one."

Somehow, a truly loving mother should at least feel some reservation about getting an epidural, right? Nope. I adore the thought of going "all natural," but after Isaac and the death-torture-straight-from-the-bowels-of-hell contractions, I wanted that needle in my back, plunging my body into sweet, blissful ignorance.

So, around 1 a.m. on Thursday morning, I had two big contractions, woke up Ryan and my mom (who was staying in our guest room), and off we went to the hospital. Isaac was conveniently snoozing at our friends' house where we left him that night because I was pretty sure I was having some small contractions and, again, after the doctor's "JUST GO!", I was glad to let him stay for his first sleepover.

It was a weird feeling, driving through the dark and down a very empty I-385. So different from Isaac when we drove in the afternoon, me convinced that every other driver was looking over in horror every time I felt those death-torture-straight-from-the-bowels-of-hell contractions. Although, when I'm in that much pain, I don't show it much...I probably just looked like I needed to poop. But THIS time was actually fun. I wasn't in much pain yet, was pretty sure I'd get an epidural in time, and was actually feeling very happy.

That didn't change. The whole labor and delivery was delightful. Seriously. Who knew it could be FUN? One of the best reasons for going without an epidural is wanting to be fully alert and present to the delivery process. For me, I was able to enjoy so much more with the drugs. So. Much. More. Esther took her time in coming, but that was fine. In the hours before she came, I played Words with Friends, felt my belly as the contractions intensified which was fun because I felt nothing, joked with Ryan and the nurses, ate cherry Popsicles, and even napped.

Right before Esther was born, I felt some of the really intense contractions even through the epidural. It hurt, but it was a good hurt. I was glad to feel some of the pain. The doctor and nurses came in soon, said, "Looks like you're ready to push," and I was like, "Ok, I'll just put my phone away..." And, 10 minutes later. Esther's sweet, little (VERY little) head came poking out. Ryan brought a small mirror so I could see everything this time and I'm so glad for that. It was weird and marvelous to see Esther born into the world.

While I've felt sadder and more irritable this past week, I'm doing well. Almost suspiciously well. I say "suspiciously" because I always have this suspicion that anything good can't last. Even as I watch Isaac's precious face as he sleeps or nurse Esther and cherish that little hand curled around my finger, I sense the loss of them growing up, becoming independent, leaving the nest...I wonder if I've ever truly lived in the moment as an adult.

However, that fear of loss at least helps me enjoy these little moments while I have them. I can't freeze Esther in time or preserve her cuddly newborn-ness, but I can treasure this baby while she's a baby. Just like I couldn't (and can't) freeze Isaac, and now see a VERY active toddler who loves climbing and getting into everything, I know I've properly treasured each stage of his life so far.

But still, I so wish they could stay babies just a little longer!