It doesn't happen a whole lot, but occasionally I'll be talking with someone and I mention something that labels me as "conservative" or "traditional." Ironic, since I feel like I'm super open-minded even if I do have convictions. I've never shied away from an open, calm discussion even if I super disagree with the other person.
Just getting married in my mid-20s got some surprising comments from co-workers at the time.
"But you're still so young."
"You seem independent. I'm just surprised."
Or best yet, "Are you pregnant?"
Nope. Just met a man that's awesome and that I want to spend my life with. Scratch that....an eternity with. Seriously, I may start a petition in heaven if marriage isn't a thing and I have to stalk Ryan just to be around him.
But that's a small example of what I'm getting at. Perhaps a better one is when I had a late-night girl talk with someone in college and was about to explain why I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married. The girl I was with was also raised in the "conservative, Christian" household, but only saw abstinence as unnecessary pleasure-deprivation and the result of too many centuries of repressed female sexuality.
Granted, I understood those points and agree to a certain point that sexuality is not appreciated enough in the church. And that women are held to different standards than men when it comes to sex.
Although, the frustrating part was that, instead of listening to my reasons, my friend said, "Oh, you're cute. I wish I was innocent like you."
Knowing my friend, this was a compliment, but it irked me. As in, I was pissed. Years later, and several times called "cute" or "innocent" when about to explain why I choose to be more "conservative" (if there really must be a label) I realize more why it rubs me the wrong way.
First, there's nothing "cute" about it. "Cute" implies that I'm some kind of naive little kitten that lives in a fairy world separate from reality, skating on rainbows and living on cotton candy...when, in fact, I'm fully aware of reality. It's not that I ignore the world, but I reject a lot of nonsense that it offers. Such as, the misconception that The Notebook is a good movie.
Second, I'm not innocent. Far from it. Am I a good person? Sure, I guess, since I try to be, but in the deepest part of my heart, I know the evil and cruelty that lurks in the dark places.
Another friend of mine once said, "You're the only person in the world that could feel bad for a serial killer." Pretty much, because there are very few times when I can't at least attempt getting inside another person's head to understand their side of the story. One of those rare cases is Walter White. Granted, he's not real, but still...I hate that guy.
Anyway, all that's to say that I totally understand why people disagree with what I think is right, but it's not fair to smile and label someone as "cute" or "old-fashioned" when they have really good, specific, logical reasons for living life in certain ways. There's nothing cute about seeing pornography as a crippling distortion of true sexual intimacy, or waiting to sleep with someone until marriage because I believe it's the ultimate physical expression of love and being with multiple partners creates a lot of physical and emotional risks. There's nothing cute about disliking the "torture porn" entertainment industry because, well, it's awful. I shouldn't have to explain why, but if you really care to hear all my reasons, please ask because I'll rant about it forever.
In conclusion, feel free to call me cute if I wear an adorable dress or host a Fancy Brunch party. I'm totally cool with that.
Great post, Heather. I have a thought; I wonder if you are able to hate Walter White because he is NOT real? I believe if he were a real person, you'd end up feeling some compassion for him. I say this because I'm much the same way. I feel sorry for all sorts of horrible people but am able to hate evil fictional characters. Here's another thought: Like you, I made the decision to wait until after I was married to have sex. It was something I felt very strongly about. But now, I've come to wonder if perhaps it was the wrong decision for me and I feel it probably was. Life continues to amaze me with the things I learn about myself and the changes it brings to what I thought were safe-held convictions. I love reading anything you write. I hope you never stop!
ReplyDeleteThanks! That's very possible about feeling more compassion for real people, although for how intense I was with Breaking Bad, Walter FELT real =). And it is interesting how convictions can evolve. It's always possible that I won't feel as strongly about some things down the road as I do now, but I guess I can't know that until that part of the road comes. I'm learning to see my experiences and beliefs as valid even if they aren't true for everyone else. It's hard to do because I always want to know, "What is true for EVERYONE? How can I know this is right, all the time, always?" I guess I can't, and I'm learning to accept what I think is true even if I can't always explain it outside of my own experience.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way about Breaking Bad and Walter White, but I have to admit that I really enjoyed hating Walter. I loved the series and hating Walter was part of it all for me. I know what you mean about "universal truth." I've questioned this for decades. I believe I've also come to a place in my journey where I'm able to accept and respect beliefs and convictions different than mine. But, it took me a lot longer to get to this place than it seems to have taken you.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts Heather! I love reading your posts! I totally relate to being called cute...
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