It's been way too long since I've written on this thing, so why not pick up again with a super-weighty issue...doubting God?
Really, not just doubting God, but doubting everything from Scripture to whether or not marriage is relevant anymore (to be clear, I 100% believe it is, but get so disheartened by the stories I hear, mostly of my students, one of which wrote a research thesis about divorced families being as healthy as two-parent households, and then got irritated when he found no sources to support it). So, basically, I hear all the debates and questions and "facts" and key-points, quickly see the truth that can be found in ALL of them, but then want to scream: WHICH IS IT? WHICH IS THE REAL VIEW?
I put trust in God, but in a very abstract sort of way. I understand why people don't trust Him, though, or why they just think He's an irrelevant myth. Because, really, why wouldn't He appear that way? Reading the Bible is like taking a wacked-out ride into the depths of chaos...you've got God commanding armies to slay entire cities, including women and CHILDREN, but then the coming of Jesus who then gives teachings of forgiveness and loving your enemies. This is just the rough, undetailed outline of the issue, of course. I'll never understand the Old Testament, I'm sure, but some things really don't match up to me. I don't understand ordering the mass killing of an entire city. It's been pointed out that these cities were corrupt and God may have ordered their demise to further his glory, but why must that include the CHILDREN? A 1-year old baby can stand in the way of God's plan? Really?
One of the many, many, many doubts I have. However, when I hear the words of Jesus, those make sense to me...I hear the truth and wisdom in them and crave more, yet this is true of many other speakers and authors, many of which outwardly reject the Bible as anything other than interesting literature. And I refuse to just blindly say, "Well, if I don't understand it, that means that God doesn't want me to know and therefore, I'll just move along." Actually, I sometimes wish I could, but it's just not possible.
My counselor said, when I went to see her about these doubts, that we're trained as children to say that we KNOW these things are "self-evident truths," even from songs like, "Jesus loves me this I KNOW." Did I KNOW that at four years old? Or ten? Or 20? I sure didn't, but I sang it like I did.
But there's all this debate on the historic validity of the Bible and I can't say one way or the other any defense I have for the Bible's accuracy, other than that I want SO MUCH to have a conviction either way. I believe in the truth it presents, yet I can't PROVE that it's universal truth. I can say that I believe it supports a man-woman marriage based on how I read it, but is that going to be convincing when you consider how often the generations have changed major belief systems? For crying out loud, we used Scripture in this same country to justify slavery!
And of COURSE we did, with all the passages about honoring masters and laws on how to treat slaves...however, there were honest, committed Christians who stood up and said, "Freaking NO, that's not the right view. That culture hadn't progressed enough to see all humanity as people not to be owned by another, so God was giving them directions (not condoning them) on how to at least treat each other well in this barbaric system that they set up." So you could easily say that this is what's going on with the same-sex marriage debate. Are we just progressing in how we treat others? I won't go more into that, since I really can't say much more without inevitably offending someone...I just don't think these things have easy, cookie-cutter answers.
I just want to be a thinking person. A thinking Christian. A thinking, reasoning, convicted Christian. So far, I think I have the first two down. I'm just not at the convicted part yet. Well, I should say I'm convicted about a lot of the "smaller" issues, just not the vast, sweeping, ageless issues.
I'm convicted that if someone is less that a few seconds behind you, you should hold the door open for them because it might be that small difference that reminds them people care about them. I'm convicted that you shouldn't take advantage of aid you don't need because you're taking away from others that need it more. I'm convicted that violence/torture is just as damaging as sex in entertainment because when we view torture or pain as enjoyment, it affects how we value human life. I'm convicted that traveling can make you appreciate distance more because you realize how enormous and uncomprehending nature is.
All that to say, yes, I doubt God and I doubt the Bible...but I'm not going to give up on either one. While I can't sing "Jesus loves me, this I know," I can belt out AG Silver's "All That To Say." Listen to it....it's great.
The certainty of faith is something God gives us. The knowledge of Him is revealed, though through studying and thinking and seeking, we make ourselves open to the revelation.
ReplyDeleteI believe the cities had to be destroyed to the very last person because God demands absolute obedience. The story of Israel in the OT is not only history, but also a metaphor for the walk of the believer. When we follow Him without reservation, things go well for us. When we leave even the tiniest scrap of self or sin, the seed of it germinates into a weed that shadows our vine and make fruit more difficult to grow. King Saul left choice animals of his enemies alive when God ordered them destroyed, then made excuses to the prophet, and Samuel said, "To obey is better than sacrifice." God doesn't want tokens. He wants all of us.
This is a very lovely and heartfelt essay, Heather. Keep writing. God will reveal Himself to you when you seek him. I personally have never doubted God's existence and love, though I have doubted myself and of course I have often doubted man's interpretation of the scriptures. Man is fallible and so our understanding can also be fallible. We must seek always.
I personally have come to the belief that homosexuality is not necessarily a sin, and I support gay marriage as long as it is not used as a club to beat the church with, and force churches to perform marriages when it goes against their conscience. But that's a very personal opinion, and my interpretation of scripture is as fallible as anyone else's. And yes, I certainly do believe that one man and one woman is the superior unit for raising children. Our culture has fallen far, far short in that.
- Laura
Thanks, Laura. It's been so encouraging over the years to come out with these doubts and realize that not one single believer responds by saying, "Welp, guess you're a hell-bent heathen." It's almost ironic that we assume Christians will respond with close-minded attitudes and yet it was MY views of fellow believers that were close-minded...so I really appreciate your response!
DeleteHeather, I agree with Laura. I think your doubts are healthy, and I'm really glad you shared them.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your struggle revolves around the accuracy of Scripture. You're wise to question it. If the Bible isn't 100% true, or if we can't interpret it well, the results are practically the same: confusion. Without a guide to life we can actually trust, each of us is left without much more than opinion. That said, since I don't believe God authors confusion, I think your uncertainty can (and will) lead to answers if you persevere.
I recommend reading Reason for God by Timothy Keller. He has a ministry for "Seekers" in New York, so he deals with many complicated issues. Also, I would challenge you to re-examine the idea that Early Church practices are outdated--and that society has "progressed" to a better understanding of God and morality since then. To use your example of slavery, I agree the American version was evil. Raping and beating slaves? Viewing them as property? (To borrow your phrasing, "Freakin' NO!") But are all men really created equal, the way we've come to believe? Or are there people who actually would benefit from submitting to a benevolent master? Are you SURE God would have commanded against slavery, if only Israel were more socially evolved?
In my own questioning, I've found history and human nature both make MORE sense when I assume every verse is relevant for all time. I'm afraid Christians explain away an awful lot, saying it was "just a cultural thing." But this appears to lead to more confusion...and a Church that looks exactly like the world. Personally, the more I've studied, the more "traditional" I've become.
But, anyway, it's not about what *I'VE* found, so I'll stop hogging your comments. I'm excited that you're searching for Truth. It's uncomfortable, but you won't regret asking God to reveal Himself. I hope you'll keep your readers updated!