Has it really been since APRIL that I've written a post? Bah, I'm a bad writer. Unless I actually write...then I think I'm at least a decent writer.
So here I am, writing. About what? The logical subject would be my super-upcoming move with Ryan. In two days we pack up our Jeep with the remaining boxes and Christmas presents from this week and drive 10 hours to Greenville, South Carolina, where we'll supposedly be the same people. I'm not quite convinced I'm going to be a human being when I'm there, at least not a recognizable one to my current human beingness. Will I still like drinking tea? Will I still want to be in plays? Will I still write? More accurately, will I write when I'm there since I've written nothing aside from journal entries for the past month? Will I still have a deep, intense, and soul-sucking relationship with Breaking Bad?
Many important questions that can't be answered until we finally freaking move already. It seems like it's been so drawn out, saying goodbye to people all this past year when we didn't even know when we'd actually be moving. But here we are, two days away, and truth be told....I'm ready. I'm so ready.
Not like Ryan or I feel like we're fleeing from the Fort by any means, but we're so ready to be starting over and proving to ourselves that we CAN. I've never lived anywhere outside the Midwest long-term. Sure, I went to Ireland for a few months, but that was for school and I didn't arrange anything other than a, "Here's a ton of money - take care of me! Feed me! Show me where the train is!" and I knew it was for four months and I'd end up back safe at Marmee's house until a new semester at Taylor started. I apparently didn't learn how to fix run-ons in Ireland, either.
It's a true testament to God's healing power that I'm not a writhing ball of anxiety, puddling around the floor and shrieking as mover's pack up our stuff and Ryan calls yet another person about insurance/rent/internet. Five years ago, could I have done this? Hell no. At least, that's how I remember myself. I think I would have survived the move, but hardly enjoyed it. I would've probably called Marmee everyday, or several times a day if this were anything like me moving a whopping 13 miles across town to live on campus as a Freshman, crying that "I don't beloooong here!" Because, now that I'm saner and a crap-ton wiser, even if I don't belong, I'll get over it and make at least five people my friends, convincing myself that I DO belong. Surely people in Greenville like Breaking Bad? If not, we have a problem.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Doubting God
It's been way too long since I've written on this thing, so why not pick up again with a super-weighty issue...doubting God?
Really, not just doubting God, but doubting everything from Scripture to whether or not marriage is relevant anymore (to be clear, I 100% believe it is, but get so disheartened by the stories I hear, mostly of my students, one of which wrote a research thesis about divorced families being as healthy as two-parent households, and then got irritated when he found no sources to support it). So, basically, I hear all the debates and questions and "facts" and key-points, quickly see the truth that can be found in ALL of them, but then want to scream: WHICH IS IT? WHICH IS THE REAL VIEW?
I put trust in God, but in a very abstract sort of way. I understand why people don't trust Him, though, or why they just think He's an irrelevant myth. Because, really, why wouldn't He appear that way? Reading the Bible is like taking a wacked-out ride into the depths of chaos...you've got God commanding armies to slay entire cities, including women and CHILDREN, but then the coming of Jesus who then gives teachings of forgiveness and loving your enemies. This is just the rough, undetailed outline of the issue, of course. I'll never understand the Old Testament, I'm sure, but some things really don't match up to me. I don't understand ordering the mass killing of an entire city. It's been pointed out that these cities were corrupt and God may have ordered their demise to further his glory, but why must that include the CHILDREN? A 1-year old baby can stand in the way of God's plan? Really?
One of the many, many, many doubts I have. However, when I hear the words of Jesus, those make sense to me...I hear the truth and wisdom in them and crave more, yet this is true of many other speakers and authors, many of which outwardly reject the Bible as anything other than interesting literature. And I refuse to just blindly say, "Well, if I don't understand it, that means that God doesn't want me to know and therefore, I'll just move along." Actually, I sometimes wish I could, but it's just not possible.
My counselor said, when I went to see her about these doubts, that we're trained as children to say that we KNOW these things are "self-evident truths," even from songs like, "Jesus loves me this I KNOW." Did I KNOW that at four years old? Or ten? Or 20? I sure didn't, but I sang it like I did.
But there's all this debate on the historic validity of the Bible and I can't say one way or the other any defense I have for the Bible's accuracy, other than that I want SO MUCH to have a conviction either way. I believe in the truth it presents, yet I can't PROVE that it's universal truth. I can say that I believe it supports a man-woman marriage based on how I read it, but is that going to be convincing when you consider how often the generations have changed major belief systems? For crying out loud, we used Scripture in this same country to justify slavery!
And of COURSE we did, with all the passages about honoring masters and laws on how to treat slaves...however, there were honest, committed Christians who stood up and said, "Freaking NO, that's not the right view. That culture hadn't progressed enough to see all humanity as people not to be owned by another, so God was giving them directions (not condoning them) on how to at least treat each other well in this barbaric system that they set up." So you could easily say that this is what's going on with the same-sex marriage debate. Are we just progressing in how we treat others? I won't go more into that, since I really can't say much more without inevitably offending someone...I just don't think these things have easy, cookie-cutter answers.
I just want to be a thinking person. A thinking Christian. A thinking, reasoning, convicted Christian. So far, I think I have the first two down. I'm just not at the convicted part yet. Well, I should say I'm convicted about a lot of the "smaller" issues, just not the vast, sweeping, ageless issues.
I'm convicted that if someone is less that a few seconds behind you, you should hold the door open for them because it might be that small difference that reminds them people care about them. I'm convicted that you shouldn't take advantage of aid you don't need because you're taking away from others that need it more. I'm convicted that violence/torture is just as damaging as sex in entertainment because when we view torture or pain as enjoyment, it affects how we value human life. I'm convicted that traveling can make you appreciate distance more because you realize how enormous and uncomprehending nature is.
All that to say, yes, I doubt God and I doubt the Bible...but I'm not going to give up on either one. While I can't sing "Jesus loves me, this I know," I can belt out AG Silver's "All That To Say." Listen to it....it's great.
Really, not just doubting God, but doubting everything from Scripture to whether or not marriage is relevant anymore (to be clear, I 100% believe it is, but get so disheartened by the stories I hear, mostly of my students, one of which wrote a research thesis about divorced families being as healthy as two-parent households, and then got irritated when he found no sources to support it). So, basically, I hear all the debates and questions and "facts" and key-points, quickly see the truth that can be found in ALL of them, but then want to scream: WHICH IS IT? WHICH IS THE REAL VIEW?
I put trust in God, but in a very abstract sort of way. I understand why people don't trust Him, though, or why they just think He's an irrelevant myth. Because, really, why wouldn't He appear that way? Reading the Bible is like taking a wacked-out ride into the depths of chaos...you've got God commanding armies to slay entire cities, including women and CHILDREN, but then the coming of Jesus who then gives teachings of forgiveness and loving your enemies. This is just the rough, undetailed outline of the issue, of course. I'll never understand the Old Testament, I'm sure, but some things really don't match up to me. I don't understand ordering the mass killing of an entire city. It's been pointed out that these cities were corrupt and God may have ordered their demise to further his glory, but why must that include the CHILDREN? A 1-year old baby can stand in the way of God's plan? Really?
One of the many, many, many doubts I have. However, when I hear the words of Jesus, those make sense to me...I hear the truth and wisdom in them and crave more, yet this is true of many other speakers and authors, many of which outwardly reject the Bible as anything other than interesting literature. And I refuse to just blindly say, "Well, if I don't understand it, that means that God doesn't want me to know and therefore, I'll just move along." Actually, I sometimes wish I could, but it's just not possible.
My counselor said, when I went to see her about these doubts, that we're trained as children to say that we KNOW these things are "self-evident truths," even from songs like, "Jesus loves me this I KNOW." Did I KNOW that at four years old? Or ten? Or 20? I sure didn't, but I sang it like I did.
But there's all this debate on the historic validity of the Bible and I can't say one way or the other any defense I have for the Bible's accuracy, other than that I want SO MUCH to have a conviction either way. I believe in the truth it presents, yet I can't PROVE that it's universal truth. I can say that I believe it supports a man-woman marriage based on how I read it, but is that going to be convincing when you consider how often the generations have changed major belief systems? For crying out loud, we used Scripture in this same country to justify slavery!
And of COURSE we did, with all the passages about honoring masters and laws on how to treat slaves...however, there were honest, committed Christians who stood up and said, "Freaking NO, that's not the right view. That culture hadn't progressed enough to see all humanity as people not to be owned by another, so God was giving them directions (not condoning them) on how to at least treat each other well in this barbaric system that they set up." So you could easily say that this is what's going on with the same-sex marriage debate. Are we just progressing in how we treat others? I won't go more into that, since I really can't say much more without inevitably offending someone...I just don't think these things have easy, cookie-cutter answers.
I just want to be a thinking person. A thinking Christian. A thinking, reasoning, convicted Christian. So far, I think I have the first two down. I'm just not at the convicted part yet. Well, I should say I'm convicted about a lot of the "smaller" issues, just not the vast, sweeping, ageless issues.
I'm convicted that if someone is less that a few seconds behind you, you should hold the door open for them because it might be that small difference that reminds them people care about them. I'm convicted that you shouldn't take advantage of aid you don't need because you're taking away from others that need it more. I'm convicted that violence/torture is just as damaging as sex in entertainment because when we view torture or pain as enjoyment, it affects how we value human life. I'm convicted that traveling can make you appreciate distance more because you realize how enormous and uncomprehending nature is.
All that to say, yes, I doubt God and I doubt the Bible...but I'm not going to give up on either one. While I can't sing "Jesus loves me, this I know," I can belt out AG Silver's "All That To Say." Listen to it....it's great.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
2000-Word Challenge
In an effort to force myself to write more, I'm picking up an idea I had several years ago that I actually mean to fulfill this time around. Therefore, here is my request...give me a short description of a story you want to see written in exactly 2000 words. It can be serious, funny, poetic, whatever. Just give me a few sentences describing the story and what you want it to look like!
I want to write more fiction, and think this will be a good motivator. So that I don't worry so much about "sounding brilliant," I'll only give myself two days to write each story. Please send in your ideas and I'll post them here when they're finished!
I want to write more fiction, and think this will be a good motivator. So that I don't worry so much about "sounding brilliant," I'll only give myself two days to write each story. Please send in your ideas and I'll post them here when they're finished!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
"I Am NOT Adam Lanza's Daughter"
When I first read "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother," I was encouraged by the "strength" of the author who was willing to bear her terrors in raising an emotionally-unstable son. Then I saw this...Disability and Representation... and now am annoyed that I fell into this sensationalism.
I think when I read the first article, I was immediately connecting "Michael" to my dad who was brain-injured when I was a baby and, while his normal mood was kind and loving and generous, he could often "act out" and become threatening. When I was in high school, he waved a gun at my mom and older sister while I was at school, and I slept with a butcher knife under my bed for the next year...just in case.
But I am not "Adam Lanza's daughter."
Anyone who knows my dad would know he's probably the most generous person you'll meet. Growing up, it wasn't uncommon for him to go out to Pizza Hut with my volleyball team after a game and pay for all 20+ people. That was his true heart. So, when he would throw an occasional tantrum, that tantrum DID NOT DEFINE HIM. His generosity and unfailing love for God, me, my sister, and my mom were his true definitions.
I'm not saying any of that to get any special props or sentiment, but to show that I KNOW the fear related to mental disabilities. I've lived that fear and battle with it almost every day. One of my biggest fears is to have a child that is emotionally or mentally disabled. I am terrified of that.
And YET I think it's ridiculous that the first article compared a son with Asperger's to a SCHOOL SHOOTER. The second article was a good dose of reality, showing that mentally-disabled people are STILL PEOPLE. My dad may have had limited moments of anger, but I would never put him in the same category of Adam Lanza. To compare ALL disabled people to school shooters, bombers, etc., is irrational and greatly harmful.
After every national tragedy, people want to know what caused it. Followed by, "How can we prevent it?" We want blame. We want accountability. I want those things, too, but at what cost to our humanity? Are we now going to further stigmatize the disabled? As if there isn't enough fear already. I'm talking to myself here, too, because this fear is real and comes from legitimate sources. We should have options for the welfare of the disabled and their families, but not at the personal cost of the very people we're trying to help. Don't compare the disabled to school shooters...otherwise you'd have to compare EVERY person to a school shooter.
There is evil in every single person's heart. There is potential for heinous acts of cruelty in every single person's heart. It is a choice every single person makes every single day whether or not to act on that inner evil. To lump a group of people as a larger threat than others is irresponsible. Sure, watch out for the disabled. Love them. Care for them. But don't label them as Adam Lanza.
I think when I read the first article, I was immediately connecting "Michael" to my dad who was brain-injured when I was a baby and, while his normal mood was kind and loving and generous, he could often "act out" and become threatening. When I was in high school, he waved a gun at my mom and older sister while I was at school, and I slept with a butcher knife under my bed for the next year...just in case.
But I am not "Adam Lanza's daughter."
Anyone who knows my dad would know he's probably the most generous person you'll meet. Growing up, it wasn't uncommon for him to go out to Pizza Hut with my volleyball team after a game and pay for all 20+ people. That was his true heart. So, when he would throw an occasional tantrum, that tantrum DID NOT DEFINE HIM. His generosity and unfailing love for God, me, my sister, and my mom were his true definitions.
I'm not saying any of that to get any special props or sentiment, but to show that I KNOW the fear related to mental disabilities. I've lived that fear and battle with it almost every day. One of my biggest fears is to have a child that is emotionally or mentally disabled. I am terrified of that.
And YET I think it's ridiculous that the first article compared a son with Asperger's to a SCHOOL SHOOTER. The second article was a good dose of reality, showing that mentally-disabled people are STILL PEOPLE. My dad may have had limited moments of anger, but I would never put him in the same category of Adam Lanza. To compare ALL disabled people to school shooters, bombers, etc., is irrational and greatly harmful.
After every national tragedy, people want to know what caused it. Followed by, "How can we prevent it?" We want blame. We want accountability. I want those things, too, but at what cost to our humanity? Are we now going to further stigmatize the disabled? As if there isn't enough fear already. I'm talking to myself here, too, because this fear is real and comes from legitimate sources. We should have options for the welfare of the disabled and their families, but not at the personal cost of the very people we're trying to help. Don't compare the disabled to school shooters...otherwise you'd have to compare EVERY person to a school shooter.
There is evil in every single person's heart. There is potential for heinous acts of cruelty in every single person's heart. It is a choice every single person makes every single day whether or not to act on that inner evil. To lump a group of people as a larger threat than others is irresponsible. Sure, watch out for the disabled. Love them. Care for them. But don't label them as Adam Lanza.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Joy in Fear
There isn't much I can add about the Connecticut shooting. Like with 9/11, I can't quite believe it happened. I see the news clips, the distraught faces, grieving families...but none of it clicks. Maybe I'm just not surprised...I've often marveled that there aren't MORE public acts of violence with how crazy this world is. Not that anything should take away from the tragedy that happened, but there's SO much hate that I witness not just from others, but from within myself. If I have to be completely honest, I've enjoyed the hurt of others...while it's not to the point of actively harming innocent people, there is that seed of potential in me and I've often been startled when I start digging around and find it lurking in deeper soil.
Everyone wants an answer for this tragedy: Why did Adam Lanza do it? What was his mother like and did she lead to his instability? How can we limit access to guns? Did video games inspire Lanza's attack? In the gym this morning, the only topics on Newtown related to gun control. There were a few clips of the children, but the 2nd amendment seemed to prove more news-worthy.
I DO think we need to respond in a practical way, reevaluating current systems of gun ownership, parenting, etc. A close family friend, though, believes that whenever national crises happen, the general response is misdirected and that it doesn't recognize the deeper problem of wanting to control our surroundings.
No matter what happens in this world, I don't want to live in fear. Even if I knew that I would live to the ripe old age of 100 with no health problems or financial burdens, I would still be afraid...because there would STILL be things out of my control. I can't control car accidents or the hurt that I see in others. As much as I want to, I can't control students or reason with someone who doesn't want to change. Ryan and I have talked more about moving within the next year. I LOVE the thought of living somewhere completely foreign to me for a couple years, but am scared of having children in a third-world country. Seeing how hard it is to keep the toddlers out of the sink in nursery at church, I don't know how I could keep them out of it 24/7.
But I don't want that fear to keep me from loving life and enJOYing it. I once asked Ryan if he would rather live until 70 and never leave Indiana, or live only until 50 but see the world. Now that I know him better, the answer of "50 and see the world" shouldn't surprise me, but at the time it did. I've been trained to think that a long, healthy life is just naturally better than a short one. The more I witness fear, though, the more I disagree. Sure, I'd choose to live longer, but I don't want to let the FEAR of living a shorter amount of time keep me from joy.
Bah, easier said than done. I'll always be afraid of things that might be...or not be. I want to fight it, though, and see life as a river, not a raindrop.
Everyone wants an answer for this tragedy: Why did Adam Lanza do it? What was his mother like and did she lead to his instability? How can we limit access to guns? Did video games inspire Lanza's attack? In the gym this morning, the only topics on Newtown related to gun control. There were a few clips of the children, but the 2nd amendment seemed to prove more news-worthy.
I DO think we need to respond in a practical way, reevaluating current systems of gun ownership, parenting, etc. A close family friend, though, believes that whenever national crises happen, the general response is misdirected and that it doesn't recognize the deeper problem of wanting to control our surroundings.
No matter what happens in this world, I don't want to live in fear. Even if I knew that I would live to the ripe old age of 100 with no health problems or financial burdens, I would still be afraid...because there would STILL be things out of my control. I can't control car accidents or the hurt that I see in others. As much as I want to, I can't control students or reason with someone who doesn't want to change. Ryan and I have talked more about moving within the next year. I LOVE the thought of living somewhere completely foreign to me for a couple years, but am scared of having children in a third-world country. Seeing how hard it is to keep the toddlers out of the sink in nursery at church, I don't know how I could keep them out of it 24/7.
But I don't want that fear to keep me from loving life and enJOYing it. I once asked Ryan if he would rather live until 70 and never leave Indiana, or live only until 50 but see the world. Now that I know him better, the answer of "50 and see the world" shouldn't surprise me, but at the time it did. I've been trained to think that a long, healthy life is just naturally better than a short one. The more I witness fear, though, the more I disagree. Sure, I'd choose to live longer, but I don't want to let the FEAR of living a shorter amount of time keep me from joy.
Bah, easier said than done. I'll always be afraid of things that might be...or not be. I want to fight it, though, and see life as a river, not a raindrop.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The times be a-changing
I'm always telling my students to write more on their own to improve themselves and always chide myself because I know I'm not going to take the same advice. I journal every few days...or once a week...but it's not like I used to journal when I felt like every thought or action I had was of universal importance.
"Today I bought the school lunch instead because I forgot to bring my own."
Mmmm....groundbreaking stuff.
I have PILES of journals dating back to 6th grade when I was reading California Diaries, the spin-off of Baby-Sitters Club, and realized the immediate importance of documenting the dramas of my life. Reading through some of them, they amaze me at how...young...I was. I thought I was so FUNNY. Stuff like, "insert name couldn't get anymore annoying...NOT." More groundbreaking prose.
So, it makes me wonder what I'll think of myself looking back another 15-some years down the road. It's so weird to think of being 40, probably as weird as it was in 6th grade to think of being 26. I also wonder what future generations will think when they look back on mine. What will some of the huge hot-button issues today look like to them? Probably what the Civil Rights movement looks like to me. They'll look at issues like legalizing marijuana and go, "Really? Why was that such a big deal?" But, because I'm living in the middle of the controversy, I'll respond like any good older generation with, "You weren't there, so you just don't get it." And I won't get why THEY don't get it because it seems so obvious to me.
What other issues will look silly to those nameless, faceless future punks and hoodlums who can't respect the better generations before them? I'd like to imagine there will be some huge health movement where all soda is no longer produced and in classrooms, bored students in some history class will vaguely wonder, "Who in their right minds would even drink that stuff?" and then go back to staring at the wall until their lunch of carrots and organic Acai juice.
Bigger question yet: what will become acceptable (or even good) that is so obviously wrong to us now? I personally think (I won't win any debates with this, just thoughts) that, ethically, people will become less and less concerned with the idea of killing older fetuses. According to this article (look at my citing skills paying off!), http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19815095, one woman is trying to lower the abortion limit from 24 to 20 weeks in the U.K., meaning that right now a legal abortion takes places up to SIX MONTHS. I'm not going to go into much here because, honestly, I don't know exactly where I stand with abortions, but six months seems like it shouldn't even be in question whether or not that baby is alive. So, legally, we're allowing that up to 6 months. I just feel like that age could continue to climb higher. I don't even know what that would look like, but I read an article....http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/post/after-birth-abortion-can-they-be-serious/2012/03/03/gIQADgiOsR_blog.html that shows this idea has at least been introduced and considered. In short, it will be interesting and scary to see how things continue to play out.
I must be getting older, because I'm starting to think that the way I grew up was "in better times." In class we were discussing a chapter where the author suggested buying a Dictionary to look up how to spell words and one student rightfully asked, "Why when I have a phone?" I looked at the copyright and the first edition was 1993, so most likely this was just a dated tip. However, even though you can look up almost any dictionary on a phone, there's something that claws inside me, wanting to rip the phone away and say, "No! Use a book, you dummy!" But why? Because that's the way that I learned it!
The times be a-changing.
"Today I bought the school lunch instead because I forgot to bring my own."
Mmmm....groundbreaking stuff.
I have PILES of journals dating back to 6th grade when I was reading California Diaries, the spin-off of Baby-Sitters Club, and realized the immediate importance of documenting the dramas of my life. Reading through some of them, they amaze me at how...young...I was. I thought I was so FUNNY. Stuff like, "insert name couldn't get anymore annoying...NOT." More groundbreaking prose.
So, it makes me wonder what I'll think of myself looking back another 15-some years down the road. It's so weird to think of being 40, probably as weird as it was in 6th grade to think of being 26. I also wonder what future generations will think when they look back on mine. What will some of the huge hot-button issues today look like to them? Probably what the Civil Rights movement looks like to me. They'll look at issues like legalizing marijuana and go, "Really? Why was that such a big deal?" But, because I'm living in the middle of the controversy, I'll respond like any good older generation with, "You weren't there, so you just don't get it." And I won't get why THEY don't get it because it seems so obvious to me.
What other issues will look silly to those nameless, faceless future punks and hoodlums who can't respect the better generations before them? I'd like to imagine there will be some huge health movement where all soda is no longer produced and in classrooms, bored students in some history class will vaguely wonder, "Who in their right minds would even drink that stuff?" and then go back to staring at the wall until their lunch of carrots and organic Acai juice.
Bigger question yet: what will become acceptable (or even good) that is so obviously wrong to us now? I personally think (I won't win any debates with this, just thoughts) that, ethically, people will become less and less concerned with the idea of killing older fetuses. According to this article (look at my citing skills paying off!), http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-19815095, one woman is trying to lower the abortion limit from 24 to 20 weeks in the U.K., meaning that right now a legal abortion takes places up to SIX MONTHS. I'm not going to go into much here because, honestly, I don't know exactly where I stand with abortions, but six months seems like it shouldn't even be in question whether or not that baby is alive. So, legally, we're allowing that up to 6 months. I just feel like that age could continue to climb higher. I don't even know what that would look like, but I read an article....http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/post/after-birth-abortion-can-they-be-serious/2012/03/03/gIQADgiOsR_blog.html that shows this idea has at least been introduced and considered. In short, it will be interesting and scary to see how things continue to play out.
I must be getting older, because I'm starting to think that the way I grew up was "in better times." In class we were discussing a chapter where the author suggested buying a Dictionary to look up how to spell words and one student rightfully asked, "Why when I have a phone?" I looked at the copyright and the first edition was 1993, so most likely this was just a dated tip. However, even though you can look up almost any dictionary on a phone, there's something that claws inside me, wanting to rip the phone away and say, "No! Use a book, you dummy!" But why? Because that's the way that I learned it!
The times be a-changing.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Moving
Whenever I mention moving and any fears I have about it, most people say something like, "Well, you've traveled so much, it should be no problem for you!" This is somewhat true - I would definitely enjoy different scenery and local food and shifted perspectives, but I also have this crazy dramatic nostalgia that makes it difficult to leave anything behind.
My car, for example, is my best inanimate friend...second only to my bike...and my pillow (which has been referred to as 'a sack of dead squirrels'...apparently, I like pillows to be lumpy). I got it two weeks after I began at Taylor...so, Fall 2004. The keys to it were keys to the universe...I'd gone without a car for 8 months, which really isn't that long, but at 18, it was borderline tragic. Having to *gasp* walk and ride my bike everywhere mom couldn't drive me and feeling bad bumming rides off everyone...anyway, it made me love my car and the thought of a new car is fun, but not worth it at the expense of losing Violet, my brawny Saturn.
Likewise, I love the thought of a new place to call home...and that thought might be reality in 12-18 months. After talking with a supervisor at work, Ryan could be able to transfer to another Michelin plant in that time - there's nothing set yet...no where or what or when, but our top picks are North or South Carolina. I've only been in that area once, last December, but I don't see why either wouldn't be a fine state to try. It's warmer, close to a coast, and it's just DIFFERENT.
But I DO like my life here and LOVE my friends/family nearby. Sure, we'd make more friends we never would have otherwise, but there's always a silly thought of "what if EVERYONE in North/South Carolina sucks? What if we get there are are, like *Gob Bluth voice inserted* I've made a huge mistake'?" Ryan pointed out that we could ask that question anywhere we move and it's really not worth missing out on something amazing just because something bad MIGHT happen. It's kind of funny, really, how I feel like I'm the more random one between me and Ryan, yet the most hesitant.
Ah, but I do love the thought of moving. I know my life here, but I don't know it somewhere 9 1/2 hours away. We could easily settle down here in Fort Wayne, buy a house, start having kids, trust in the stability of Ryan's job, and never face a real urgency to ever leave. We could shop at the same stores for the next 7-8 decades (hey, I'm optimistic), I could teach the same classes, and use the same bank...but I already know, in general, what that life looks like. And it's not BAD - it's just too understood. I already know I don't trust God in change and what better way to FORCE myself to trust than by pushing myself out of the only city I've called home?
Diary quote time: "Why do I want to jumble up the convenience and ease we have going on here? Because if I don't jumble myself, I won't go. I'll stagnate and become bitter. I know these streets too well. I have the buildings outlined in my head...in many ways, the saying "the grass is greener on the other side" is misleading because what if you want the other side, but are still debating your current side's green-ness?"
Isn't it funny that generations before us fought so hard and shed so much sweat and blood so that we could have endless opportunities, yet it's those very opportunities that cause us so much anxiety? "Waaaa, I have too many choices." Pretty sure every oppressed generation of women (and men) would punch me in the face. If they did it at the same time, maybe it would smack some sense into me. What if everyone just moves with us wherever we go? You in?
My car, for example, is my best inanimate friend...second only to my bike...and my pillow (which has been referred to as 'a sack of dead squirrels'...apparently, I like pillows to be lumpy). I got it two weeks after I began at Taylor...so, Fall 2004. The keys to it were keys to the universe...I'd gone without a car for 8 months, which really isn't that long, but at 18, it was borderline tragic. Having to *gasp* walk and ride my bike everywhere mom couldn't drive me and feeling bad bumming rides off everyone...anyway, it made me love my car and the thought of a new car is fun, but not worth it at the expense of losing Violet, my brawny Saturn.
Likewise, I love the thought of a new place to call home...and that thought might be reality in 12-18 months. After talking with a supervisor at work, Ryan could be able to transfer to another Michelin plant in that time - there's nothing set yet...no where or what or when, but our top picks are North or South Carolina. I've only been in that area once, last December, but I don't see why either wouldn't be a fine state to try. It's warmer, close to a coast, and it's just DIFFERENT.
But I DO like my life here and LOVE my friends/family nearby. Sure, we'd make more friends we never would have otherwise, but there's always a silly thought of "what if EVERYONE in North/South Carolina sucks? What if we get there are are, like *Gob Bluth voice inserted* I've made a huge mistake'?" Ryan pointed out that we could ask that question anywhere we move and it's really not worth missing out on something amazing just because something bad MIGHT happen. It's kind of funny, really, how I feel like I'm the more random one between me and Ryan, yet the most hesitant.
Ah, but I do love the thought of moving. I know my life here, but I don't know it somewhere 9 1/2 hours away. We could easily settle down here in Fort Wayne, buy a house, start having kids, trust in the stability of Ryan's job, and never face a real urgency to ever leave. We could shop at the same stores for the next 7-8 decades (hey, I'm optimistic), I could teach the same classes, and use the same bank...but I already know, in general, what that life looks like. And it's not BAD - it's just too understood. I already know I don't trust God in change and what better way to FORCE myself to trust than by pushing myself out of the only city I've called home?
Diary quote time: "Why do I want to jumble up the convenience and ease we have going on here? Because if I don't jumble myself, I won't go. I'll stagnate and become bitter. I know these streets too well. I have the buildings outlined in my head...in many ways, the saying "the grass is greener on the other side" is misleading because what if you want the other side, but are still debating your current side's green-ness?"
Isn't it funny that generations before us fought so hard and shed so much sweat and blood so that we could have endless opportunities, yet it's those very opportunities that cause us so much anxiety? "Waaaa, I have too many choices." Pretty sure every oppressed generation of women (and men) would punch me in the face. If they did it at the same time, maybe it would smack some sense into me. What if everyone just moves with us wherever we go? You in?
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