There isn't much I can add about the Connecticut shooting. Like with 9/11, I can't quite believe it happened. I see the news clips, the distraught faces, grieving families...but none of it clicks. Maybe I'm just not surprised...I've often marveled that there aren't MORE public acts of violence with how crazy this world is. Not that anything should take away from the tragedy that happened, but there's SO much hate that I witness not just from others, but from within myself. If I have to be completely honest, I've enjoyed the hurt of others...while it's not to the point of actively harming innocent people, there is that seed of potential in me and I've often been startled when I start digging around and find it lurking in deeper soil.
Everyone wants an answer for this tragedy: Why did Adam Lanza do it? What was his mother like and did she lead to his instability? How can we limit access to guns? Did video games inspire Lanza's attack? In the gym this morning, the only topics on Newtown related to gun control. There were a few clips of the children, but the 2nd amendment seemed to prove more news-worthy.
I DO think we need to respond in a practical way, reevaluating current systems of gun ownership, parenting, etc. A close family friend, though, believes that whenever national crises happen, the general response is misdirected and that it doesn't recognize the deeper problem of wanting to control our surroundings.
No matter what happens in this world, I don't want to live in fear. Even if I knew that I would live to the ripe old age of 100 with no health problems or financial burdens, I would still be afraid...because there would STILL be things out of my control. I can't control car accidents or the hurt that I see in others. As much as I want to, I can't control students or reason with someone who doesn't want to change. Ryan and I have talked more about moving within the next year. I LOVE the thought of living somewhere completely foreign to me for a couple years, but am scared of having children in a third-world country. Seeing how hard it is to keep the toddlers out of the sink in nursery at church, I don't know how I could keep them out of it 24/7.
But I don't want that fear to keep me from loving life and enJOYing it. I once asked Ryan if he would rather live until 70 and never leave Indiana, or live only until 50 but see the world. Now that I know him better, the answer of "50 and see the world" shouldn't surprise me, but at the time it did. I've been trained to think that a long, healthy life is just naturally better than a short one. The more I witness fear, though, the more I disagree. Sure, I'd choose to live longer, but I don't want to let the FEAR of living a shorter amount of time keep me from joy.
Bah, easier said than done. I'll always be afraid of things that might be...or not be. I want to fight it, though, and see life as a river, not a raindrop.
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