Has it really been since APRIL that I've written a post? Bah, I'm a bad writer. Unless I actually write...then I think I'm at least a decent writer.
So here I am, writing. About what? The logical subject would be my super-upcoming move with Ryan. In two days we pack up our Jeep with the remaining boxes and Christmas presents from this week and drive 10 hours to Greenville, South Carolina, where we'll supposedly be the same people. I'm not quite convinced I'm going to be a human being when I'm there, at least not a recognizable one to my current human beingness. Will I still like drinking tea? Will I still want to be in plays? Will I still write? More accurately, will I write when I'm there since I've written nothing aside from journal entries for the past month? Will I still have a deep, intense, and soul-sucking relationship with Breaking Bad?
Many important questions that can't be answered until we finally freaking move already. It seems like it's been so drawn out, saying goodbye to people all this past year when we didn't even know when we'd actually be moving. But here we are, two days away, and truth be told....I'm ready. I'm so ready.
Not like Ryan or I feel like we're fleeing from the Fort by any means, but we're so ready to be starting over and proving to ourselves that we CAN. I've never lived anywhere outside the Midwest long-term. Sure, I went to Ireland for a few months, but that was for school and I didn't arrange anything other than a, "Here's a ton of money - take care of me! Feed me! Show me where the train is!" and I knew it was for four months and I'd end up back safe at Marmee's house until a new semester at Taylor started. I apparently didn't learn how to fix run-ons in Ireland, either.
It's a true testament to God's healing power that I'm not a writhing ball of anxiety, puddling around the floor and shrieking as mover's pack up our stuff and Ryan calls yet another person about insurance/rent/internet. Five years ago, could I have done this? Hell no. At least, that's how I remember myself. I think I would have survived the move, but hardly enjoyed it. I would've probably called Marmee everyday, or several times a day if this were anything like me moving a whopping 13 miles across town to live on campus as a Freshman, crying that "I don't beloooong here!" Because, now that I'm saner and a crap-ton wiser, even if I don't belong, I'll get over it and make at least five people my friends, convincing myself that I DO belong. Surely people in Greenville like Breaking Bad? If not, we have a problem.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Doubting God
It's been way too long since I've written on this thing, so why not pick up again with a super-weighty issue...doubting God?
Really, not just doubting God, but doubting everything from Scripture to whether or not marriage is relevant anymore (to be clear, I 100% believe it is, but get so disheartened by the stories I hear, mostly of my students, one of which wrote a research thesis about divorced families being as healthy as two-parent households, and then got irritated when he found no sources to support it). So, basically, I hear all the debates and questions and "facts" and key-points, quickly see the truth that can be found in ALL of them, but then want to scream: WHICH IS IT? WHICH IS THE REAL VIEW?
I put trust in God, but in a very abstract sort of way. I understand why people don't trust Him, though, or why they just think He's an irrelevant myth. Because, really, why wouldn't He appear that way? Reading the Bible is like taking a wacked-out ride into the depths of chaos...you've got God commanding armies to slay entire cities, including women and CHILDREN, but then the coming of Jesus who then gives teachings of forgiveness and loving your enemies. This is just the rough, undetailed outline of the issue, of course. I'll never understand the Old Testament, I'm sure, but some things really don't match up to me. I don't understand ordering the mass killing of an entire city. It's been pointed out that these cities were corrupt and God may have ordered their demise to further his glory, but why must that include the CHILDREN? A 1-year old baby can stand in the way of God's plan? Really?
One of the many, many, many doubts I have. However, when I hear the words of Jesus, those make sense to me...I hear the truth and wisdom in them and crave more, yet this is true of many other speakers and authors, many of which outwardly reject the Bible as anything other than interesting literature. And I refuse to just blindly say, "Well, if I don't understand it, that means that God doesn't want me to know and therefore, I'll just move along." Actually, I sometimes wish I could, but it's just not possible.
My counselor said, when I went to see her about these doubts, that we're trained as children to say that we KNOW these things are "self-evident truths," even from songs like, "Jesus loves me this I KNOW." Did I KNOW that at four years old? Or ten? Or 20? I sure didn't, but I sang it like I did.
But there's all this debate on the historic validity of the Bible and I can't say one way or the other any defense I have for the Bible's accuracy, other than that I want SO MUCH to have a conviction either way. I believe in the truth it presents, yet I can't PROVE that it's universal truth. I can say that I believe it supports a man-woman marriage based on how I read it, but is that going to be convincing when you consider how often the generations have changed major belief systems? For crying out loud, we used Scripture in this same country to justify slavery!
And of COURSE we did, with all the passages about honoring masters and laws on how to treat slaves...however, there were honest, committed Christians who stood up and said, "Freaking NO, that's not the right view. That culture hadn't progressed enough to see all humanity as people not to be owned by another, so God was giving them directions (not condoning them) on how to at least treat each other well in this barbaric system that they set up." So you could easily say that this is what's going on with the same-sex marriage debate. Are we just progressing in how we treat others? I won't go more into that, since I really can't say much more without inevitably offending someone...I just don't think these things have easy, cookie-cutter answers.
I just want to be a thinking person. A thinking Christian. A thinking, reasoning, convicted Christian. So far, I think I have the first two down. I'm just not at the convicted part yet. Well, I should say I'm convicted about a lot of the "smaller" issues, just not the vast, sweeping, ageless issues.
I'm convicted that if someone is less that a few seconds behind you, you should hold the door open for them because it might be that small difference that reminds them people care about them. I'm convicted that you shouldn't take advantage of aid you don't need because you're taking away from others that need it more. I'm convicted that violence/torture is just as damaging as sex in entertainment because when we view torture or pain as enjoyment, it affects how we value human life. I'm convicted that traveling can make you appreciate distance more because you realize how enormous and uncomprehending nature is.
All that to say, yes, I doubt God and I doubt the Bible...but I'm not going to give up on either one. While I can't sing "Jesus loves me, this I know," I can belt out AG Silver's "All That To Say." Listen to it....it's great.
Really, not just doubting God, but doubting everything from Scripture to whether or not marriage is relevant anymore (to be clear, I 100% believe it is, but get so disheartened by the stories I hear, mostly of my students, one of which wrote a research thesis about divorced families being as healthy as two-parent households, and then got irritated when he found no sources to support it). So, basically, I hear all the debates and questions and "facts" and key-points, quickly see the truth that can be found in ALL of them, but then want to scream: WHICH IS IT? WHICH IS THE REAL VIEW?
I put trust in God, but in a very abstract sort of way. I understand why people don't trust Him, though, or why they just think He's an irrelevant myth. Because, really, why wouldn't He appear that way? Reading the Bible is like taking a wacked-out ride into the depths of chaos...you've got God commanding armies to slay entire cities, including women and CHILDREN, but then the coming of Jesus who then gives teachings of forgiveness and loving your enemies. This is just the rough, undetailed outline of the issue, of course. I'll never understand the Old Testament, I'm sure, but some things really don't match up to me. I don't understand ordering the mass killing of an entire city. It's been pointed out that these cities were corrupt and God may have ordered their demise to further his glory, but why must that include the CHILDREN? A 1-year old baby can stand in the way of God's plan? Really?
One of the many, many, many doubts I have. However, when I hear the words of Jesus, those make sense to me...I hear the truth and wisdom in them and crave more, yet this is true of many other speakers and authors, many of which outwardly reject the Bible as anything other than interesting literature. And I refuse to just blindly say, "Well, if I don't understand it, that means that God doesn't want me to know and therefore, I'll just move along." Actually, I sometimes wish I could, but it's just not possible.
My counselor said, when I went to see her about these doubts, that we're trained as children to say that we KNOW these things are "self-evident truths," even from songs like, "Jesus loves me this I KNOW." Did I KNOW that at four years old? Or ten? Or 20? I sure didn't, but I sang it like I did.
But there's all this debate on the historic validity of the Bible and I can't say one way or the other any defense I have for the Bible's accuracy, other than that I want SO MUCH to have a conviction either way. I believe in the truth it presents, yet I can't PROVE that it's universal truth. I can say that I believe it supports a man-woman marriage based on how I read it, but is that going to be convincing when you consider how often the generations have changed major belief systems? For crying out loud, we used Scripture in this same country to justify slavery!
And of COURSE we did, with all the passages about honoring masters and laws on how to treat slaves...however, there were honest, committed Christians who stood up and said, "Freaking NO, that's not the right view. That culture hadn't progressed enough to see all humanity as people not to be owned by another, so God was giving them directions (not condoning them) on how to at least treat each other well in this barbaric system that they set up." So you could easily say that this is what's going on with the same-sex marriage debate. Are we just progressing in how we treat others? I won't go more into that, since I really can't say much more without inevitably offending someone...I just don't think these things have easy, cookie-cutter answers.
I just want to be a thinking person. A thinking Christian. A thinking, reasoning, convicted Christian. So far, I think I have the first two down. I'm just not at the convicted part yet. Well, I should say I'm convicted about a lot of the "smaller" issues, just not the vast, sweeping, ageless issues.
I'm convicted that if someone is less that a few seconds behind you, you should hold the door open for them because it might be that small difference that reminds them people care about them. I'm convicted that you shouldn't take advantage of aid you don't need because you're taking away from others that need it more. I'm convicted that violence/torture is just as damaging as sex in entertainment because when we view torture or pain as enjoyment, it affects how we value human life. I'm convicted that traveling can make you appreciate distance more because you realize how enormous and uncomprehending nature is.
All that to say, yes, I doubt God and I doubt the Bible...but I'm not going to give up on either one. While I can't sing "Jesus loves me, this I know," I can belt out AG Silver's "All That To Say." Listen to it....it's great.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
2000-Word Challenge
In an effort to force myself to write more, I'm picking up an idea I had several years ago that I actually mean to fulfill this time around. Therefore, here is my request...give me a short description of a story you want to see written in exactly 2000 words. It can be serious, funny, poetic, whatever. Just give me a few sentences describing the story and what you want it to look like!
I want to write more fiction, and think this will be a good motivator. So that I don't worry so much about "sounding brilliant," I'll only give myself two days to write each story. Please send in your ideas and I'll post them here when they're finished!
I want to write more fiction, and think this will be a good motivator. So that I don't worry so much about "sounding brilliant," I'll only give myself two days to write each story. Please send in your ideas and I'll post them here when they're finished!
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